Walmart, and other circles of hell

I am Mars. Not the planet, and definitely not Roman god of war, though that would be cool. Marlena became Mars, and it just kind of stuck. Go with it. Anyway, I like words and on occasion I can arrange them in a fashion that some people find amusing. It’s happened at least twice. On this day, I wish to arrange words that discuss a nightmare and a circle of hell unto itself.

Walmart, as you are no doubt aware, is a horrifying place where one keeps the dregs of society. The overweight, the under dressed, the dreadfully disfigured, and the impressively icky all have a way of gravitating to this place.

Then there's me.

You see, dear reader, I am employed by this dreadful place they often call Walmart. I have seen things no ordinary human should see.

I have seen a lime-green t-shirt advertising a "testicle festival." Complete with helpful illustrations for those too drunk or illiterate to determine for themselves just what said festival is celebrating.

But, working at Walmart is not without redeeming qualities. There are many characters in my mundanely strange life that, while individually are unremarkable, together make something truly special. I like to pretend that my time at Walmart is a wacky sitcom with all kinds of bizarre caricatures of life that couldn't possibly exist in the real world. This is, of course, a blatant lie I tell myself to facilitate meager amounts of sleep following less meager amounts of sleeping pills.

Here are some characters with starring roles, complete with helpful labeled diagrams:

Vanilla Ice--

My department manager, who is a "three-foot, chubby redneck cracker-ass honky who thinks he's a drunk black woman" (*as described by another character you'll meet later). This man is annoying as all hell and to be avoided at all costs.

Sassy Gay Friend--

My good friend from day 1, a ridiculously talented artist and a drag queen (not always in that order). He and the gayness that, according to the straight guys on our side of the store, shoots from his pores and infects all in its sparkly path, are absolute magnets for trouble. Granted, drawing impressively endowed women, naked, on the side of a box of frozen corn was perhaps not among his better plans.

Mom--

Though not our actual mom, Sassy Gay Friend and I both adore and fear her--just like real family! She has the work ethic of that little engine that could, often guilting us into doing actual work. This would get immensely annoying if she weren't so damned apologetic about it.

The Scottsman--

A night manager, and one of the only reasons Sassy Gay Friend and I go to work. The Scottsman is adorable and amusing and regularly tells me how pretty I am. Clearly he is a genius.

Mary--

This is actually a guy, but I'm pretty sure he loves Jesus just as much--if not more--than Mary did. So that's what we're going with. He once told me that he would vote against homosexuality. Like, as an option. An option of something to be. Like we're fucking Singapore or something. Apparently gays are beneath lepers. Well...sometimes. ZING! Mary wouldn't have gotten that joke. He's too busy loving Jesus.

The Analyst—

Several years older than SGF, Mom, and myself, The Analyst does everything she can to get our lives in line and find out why we are who we are. She is our official life cheerleader, and wants us to be the very best we can be.

Guest stars:

Ginger-- I rarely see him, but he’s very cute and flirts incessantly. He’ll come up once in a while.

Mickey Mouse-- He looks sixty and sounds like a 90-year-old Mickey with tourette’s.

The Official Walmart Lesbian-- I think this one is fairly self-explanatory.

Pineapple-- a brainless beauty in electronics who SGF plans to ravish one day.

And think, that’s just Walmart: The Abridged Version. There are plenty of bizarre people I know in the real world. You will meet them later. It scares me more than it does you, I promise.

Until next time,

Mars

*I’m not telling you who though. Or I could even be lying. You have no way of knowing. I win the internet.