So, Hawaii. That was an adventure. I always forget some of its bizarre little idiosyncrasies that both make it fun and odd at the same time. One of the primary things I always seem to forget is how easy it is to fall right back into pidgin, the local slang there. I think the wheels had been down for five minutes before the cadence of my speech changed to match theirs. That might just be a weird me thing, though. Just for giggles, we'll go through my time in Hawaii chronologically, too. Things will just be easier that way.
First was Waikiki. I love Hawaii, but...if we could just make all of Waikiki go away, I'd probably be okay with it. If you're reading this and have never been to Hawaii, please turn off whatever else you're doing and pay close attention for a minute:
NO ONE in Hawaii says "Aloha" "Mahalo" or "Kokua" except for tourists and people who make their living off of them. When they teach you to say alooooooooooooohaaaa!!! that is how they mark you for the rest of the island. You may as well be wearing a sign that says "I know nothing and will give you large sums of money for shells that I could find by myself on a beach twelve feet away." Don't fall into their trap!
For reasons that have never been all that clear to me, this has always annoyed the hell out of me. Look past the bullshit, people!
Ahem. Anyway. Waikiki. Despite the tourist population, there are often many interesting things to see. Also to eat.
Observe:
The chili omelet. Bless you, purveyors of local cuisine.
Some obligatory Waikiki Beach shots.
Some interesting-looking people. Guys, tying your t-shirt in the back looks really gay. Which, if you actually are gay, is fine, but if you're not, it just....it's just gay. Stop it.
As promised: A Freaking Pig On A Leash. What in the hell, Waikiki? Cute pig though.
I then proceeded to go sailing on a boat called the Grand Louis and captained by a mildly intoxicated Frenchman called Gerard. Gerard was very kind but tried to take us to Australia and, failing this, proceeded to try to kill us by turning the boat sideways. There was a moment during which I was lying flat on my back on the deck but my body was almost completely perpendicular to the water. It was frightening but also pretty awesome. No pictures from this particular adventure because I was unwilling to sacrifice Annabel (one of my cameras) to the oceans.
And then. Good grief, Charlie Brown, and then there was Diamond Head. And hiking. Those of you familiar with me and my personality will likely be super confused as to why I would ever let such a horrendous thing occur. The official word is that I was lured up a mountain with the promise of beautiful pictures. That's pretty well the surest way to lure me into doing anything. Halfway up I literally crashed to the ground and very nearly passed out, while my father laughed at me. Thanks for that, dad. Your laughter was super helpful. So was the laughter of the Australian couple behind us. You guys were just freaking peachy. And also keen. Who decided that peaches were a positive state of being?
Anyway.
The following conversation took place shortly before this happened.
Me: Okay so...how did you...manage to talk me...into doing this?
My dad: I dunno.
Me: Because it seems to me...that it combines...two of my least favorite things...physical exertion...and sunlight...
Australian couple: (snicker)
Me: (Glare Of Death and Pain)
Following me getting extraordinary tunnel vision and seriously contemplating letting myself fall off of a cliff (also contemplating punching a little kid for his snickers bar), there was a stupidly steep staircase as well as a dark scary rape tunnel and a spiral staircase. Then there was a landing, where I sat very still for about half an hour because my legs wouldn't hold me up. Now see the purpose of my self-imposed torture.
A tiny, tiny bit of the trail I took, which totally almost killed me.
Some of the reasons I made the journey.
Here are some stairs that very nearly killed me dead.
After this we went to Pearl Harbor. I took tons of pictures that I think are cool, but I'll just post my favorite. It's a bit...I dunno, kitsch isn't quite the right word, but it's close. But I don't care. Fullview, or the terrorists win.
Then there was Waimea Valley. It's gorgeous and cool and green and damp and completely lacking in cell reception, which is oddly freeing. There was gorgeous scenery. And some plants, too.
Supermegafoxyawesomehot he isn't, but the tats were intriguing.
It's not creepy if I just thought it was sweet right?
Needless to say I'm a bit of a voyeur. It's harmless, I swear. And by harmless I mean that I haven't yet been given a restraining order. Which I consider to be a great success. Now I am going to show you pictures of delicious food you cannot have. It has already been enjoyed. Feel free to be jealous.
Coco puffs with love from Liliha Bakery. Yummy pastry filled with chocolate custard and topped with a thing called chantilly which I can only describe as butter-flavored joy with magic sprinkles.
This is a brownie. Except it's more than a brownie. It's the most terrifying, glorious, beautiful thing you ever will see. Brownie+red velvet+chocolate chips+raspberry+marshmallows=this.
And then the pineapple burger. It's simple, it's elegant, it's delicious, it's mine and you can't have it.
So. So that was my adventures in Hawaii. It was delicious. Up next: that which is Comic Con.
Until next time,
Mars
Ahem. Anyway. Waikiki. Despite the tourist population, there are often many interesting things to see. Also to eat.
Observe:
The chili omelet. Bless you, purveyors of local cuisine.
Some obligatory Waikiki Beach shots.
Some interesting-looking people. Guys, tying your t-shirt in the back looks really gay. Which, if you actually are gay, is fine, but if you're not, it just....it's just gay. Stop it.
As promised: A Freaking Pig On A Leash. What in the hell, Waikiki? Cute pig though.
I then proceeded to go sailing on a boat called the Grand Louis and captained by a mildly intoxicated Frenchman called Gerard. Gerard was very kind but tried to take us to Australia and, failing this, proceeded to try to kill us by turning the boat sideways. There was a moment during which I was lying flat on my back on the deck but my body was almost completely perpendicular to the water. It was frightening but also pretty awesome. No pictures from this particular adventure because I was unwilling to sacrifice Annabel (one of my cameras) to the oceans.
And then. Good grief, Charlie Brown, and then there was Diamond Head. And hiking. Those of you familiar with me and my personality will likely be super confused as to why I would ever let such a horrendous thing occur. The official word is that I was lured up a mountain with the promise of beautiful pictures. That's pretty well the surest way to lure me into doing anything. Halfway up I literally crashed to the ground and very nearly passed out, while my father laughed at me. Thanks for that, dad. Your laughter was super helpful. So was the laughter of the Australian couple behind us. You guys were just freaking peachy. And also keen. Who decided that peaches were a positive state of being?
Anyway.
The following conversation took place shortly before this happened.
Me: Okay so...how did you...manage to talk me...into doing this?
My dad: I dunno.
Me: Because it seems to me...that it combines...two of my least favorite things...physical exertion...and sunlight...
Australian couple: (snicker)
Me: (Glare Of Death and Pain)
Following me getting extraordinary tunnel vision and seriously contemplating letting myself fall off of a cliff (also contemplating punching a little kid for his snickers bar), there was a stupidly steep staircase as well as a dark scary rape tunnel and a spiral staircase. Then there was a landing, where I sat very still for about half an hour because my legs wouldn't hold me up. Now see the purpose of my self-imposed torture.
A tiny, tiny bit of the trail I took, which totally almost killed me.
Some of the reasons I made the journey.
Here are some stairs that very nearly killed me dead.
After this we went to Pearl Harbor. I took tons of pictures that I think are cool, but I'll just post my favorite. It's a bit...I dunno, kitsch isn't quite the right word, but it's close. But I don't care. Fullview, or the terrorists win.
Then there was Waimea Valley. It's gorgeous and cool and green and damp and completely lacking in cell reception, which is oddly freeing. There was gorgeous scenery. And some plants, too.
Supermegafoxyawesomehot he isn't, but the tats were intriguing.
It's not creepy if I just thought it was sweet right?
Needless to say I'm a bit of a voyeur. It's harmless, I swear. And by harmless I mean that I haven't yet been given a restraining order. Which I consider to be a great success. Now I am going to show you pictures of delicious food you cannot have. It has already been enjoyed. Feel free to be jealous.
Coco puffs with love from Liliha Bakery. Yummy pastry filled with chocolate custard and topped with a thing called chantilly which I can only describe as butter-flavored joy with magic sprinkles.
This is a brownie. Except it's more than a brownie. It's the most terrifying, glorious, beautiful thing you ever will see. Brownie+red velvet+chocolate chips+raspberry+marshmallows=this.
And then the pineapple burger. It's simple, it's elegant, it's delicious, it's mine and you can't have it.
So. So that was my adventures in Hawaii. It was delicious. Up next: that which is Comic Con.
Until next time,
Mars
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